1) Privacy. This is something I highly value. Would I want the entire world to know every time I went to the doctor’s office? Would I want people to take pictures of Eric and me in mid-conversation, after he says something funny and I grimace, and the next day I am buying groceries and the cover story on PEOPLE Magazine is that photo with the headline: “Jeneric under marital stress…how much longer will the romance last? Read why we give them three weeks tops, inside! Oh, and has Jenny gained weight? Five arguments to support our theory, inside!” No. Thanks, but kindly, no thanks.
2) Twitter would overwhelm me even more. Let’s face it, twitter already scares me a little bit. If I were famous, how would I know which “mentions” were from obsessed teeny-boppers (I am assuming that would be my fan-base), and which ones were from my real friends?
3) Fans and friends might start to become one in the same. I might forget whom I genuinely care about, and who genuinely likes me.
4) I could lose an important appendage in the blink of an eye. That is to say, being famous would be distracting. I might be thinking about how cool I am while slicing an onion, and accidently slice off a pair of fingers in the process.
5) I wouldn’t be able to text purposefully ugly pictures of my close-up face to my sister without fear that it might end up on the internet somewhere. My sisters and I are allowed to make fun of each other. Me and the rest of the world? Not as fun. Unless it is mutual.
6) My nieces might find me unapproachable. Or, I wouldn’t have time for them. I would die.
7) My husband would remind me that I still have my faults, and I might resent him for not placing me in the same camp as Ricky Gervais, or any other of his favorite celebrities.
8) I would constantly wonder if Paparazzi knew that the left side of my face is more flattering than my right, and that my nose looks kind of weird at a certain angle when I laugh. I would want them to know that. And to avoid those shots.
9) I might have too much money. This is something I genuinely (needlessly) worry about. Too much money does not equal all your problems disappearing. They’ve done studies on rich people and happiness, you know.
10) I might occasionally meet former Disney-stars-turned-musicians, and be forced to act like I find value in what they do. And then rumors would spread that I hate Disney stars and people would demand a public apology. Which would obviously be an overreaction.
11) I would not be able to shop at Trader Joe’s without being bombarded by people wanting pictures, autographs and hugs. And that, would be truly tragic. I cannot shop for groceries unless I am able to maintain complete focus.
Just in case, however, I do become famous someday, these are the three things I would like about my new status: being able to meet Elmo, I could fly first class, I could possibly pitch my ideas for weird-funny comedy sketches to someone and be taken seriously. At least momentarily.