Motherhood Myths: An Interview

Wednesday, August 12, 2015 0 No tags

 

Motherhood Myths--satire for everyone from JenEric Generation

The following is an interview with myself.

Hey, guys! Jenny is the author of the blog JenEric Generation, and today I am talking to her about a most fascinating topic I’m sure we can all relate to: her life. More specifically, her life as a new mom.

Jenny: Hi, Jenny. Thanks so much for taking time out of your day to answer a few of my burning questions!

Me: It’s no problem, Jenny! I have a few minutes before Violet wakes up for her next feeding. Did you know that babies eat every few hours?

Jenny: I did! I did.

Let’s go ahead and jump right in, since we have a lot to cover today. First, the most burning question of all, I was wondering if staying at home with your four-month-old was more challenging than having a full-time job?

Me: Well, Jenny, the short answer is no. But then, the two are drastically different in my mind. As you know, I worked for five years after college, before exchanging my salary for being covered in spit up and slobbery kisses (she’s still working on the kisses). I liked being a working woman, for the most part, but my job wasn’t one that I saw myself in long term. Now that I stay home, I face many different challenges, but I find being with a baby all day to be much less stressful than working at a job I wasn’t excited about.

Jenny: Are you actually covered in spit up?

Me: No, that’s just a thing we moms say. It’s basically another way of saying “I don’t shower every day”.

Jenny: Right. So, I was wondering if you felt comfortable talking about postpartum weight loss. Is the baby weight just melting away?

Me: Oh, sure. Bring on the postpartum weight loss questions! Because I have all the answers. I understand everything about postpartum weight loss!

Jenny: Hahaha!

Me: I knew you would get the sarcasm! It’s so great being interviewed by someone so…familiar.

The truth is, breastfeeding to lose weight is not a comprehensive weight loss program. In fact, some women on the internet would call it an outright lie. I join their many voices. It just doesn’t seem right that after carrying around a human being inside you for nine months, and then pushing it out of your body, your body can’t be more on your side. You know? Instead, it seems to be all, “I have a great idea. We are going to hang on to these last ten pounds in case the end of the world happens while you are breastfeeding and your baby’s survival depends on them.”

Is it really too much to ask to be able to fit into your old wardrobe a few weeks after giving birth? Essentially, we stay-at-home-moms just want the same thing working women want: It All.

Jenny: The moral of the story then, is that our bodies have both good ideas and bad ideas. The good ideas being…

Me: …growing babies.

Jenny: Exactly. So, another question I had was whether or not you are getting enough sleep as a new mom. And as the Voice of All Mothers, I was wondering if you could tell me…

Me: Hey now, I never pretended to be the Voice of All Mothers.

Jenny: But you agreed to this interview.

Me: Yeah, and that hardly means…

Jenny: Relax! I’m just messing with you. I, of all people, know you aren’t yourself when you’re sleep deprived.

Me: Oh! Haha. Okay. But hey, wait, I’m not sleep deprived! I pride myself on Violet’s great sleep habits.

Jenny: Oh, so you are one of THOSE parents who takes credit for their children’s sleep habits? Just wait until you have your next kid.

Me: Gee, thanks for the encouragement.

Jenny: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t treat you like that. Let’s get back on track. Talk to me about your social life.

Me: [mocking voice] ‘talk to me about your social life‘.

Jenny: Is that to say…you don’t have one?

Me: Of course I have a social life. I’m with another human being all day long! And in addition to that, I do things. No really, I do. The only difference between my social life pre-baby and now is that now it’s just harder to have a social life.

Jenny: You are making a lot of sense. One thing I continually read on the internet is that mom’s need a lot of alcohol to survive on a daily basis. What is your opinion on that?

Me: Mom’s can’t do everything on their own, that is certainly true. But where you get that extra help is between you and God. But I don’t think moms are drinking as much as we think they are.

Jenny: Oh, are the jokes about drinking just another code for “I don’t shower every day”?

Me: No. It’s more like code for: “Just go ahead and judge me. I dare you.” If there is one thing moms get up in arms about, it’s…

Jenny: Not letting their kids watch more than thirty minutes of TV every day?

Me: …No. I was going to say: being judged by other moms.

Jenny: Ah, and no one wants to admit that someone else might be a better parent, is that it? Is it because all moms want to feel like they are in the same boat?

Me: More like the same life raft!

Jenny: Hahahaha! What a hoot you are.

Me: It’s just that I’m a mom now, and I get this whole “being a mom” business so much better. I even get all the jokes.

Jenny: So is the best part about being a mom, being in the mom “club”?

Me: The club certainly has a lot of perks, not limited to showering less frequently and 100% freedom from all judgment. The main perk though, I’d say, is being responsible for the well-being of another person.

Jenny: You’d call that a perk? Most people would call that a huge burden. In fact, I think that may be why some people are hesitant to procreate.

Me: Is it? Huh. Funny how having a kid changes things.

Jenny: Having children changes a lot of things, doesn’t it?

Me: In some ways.

Jenny: Only in some?

Me: Sure. Some things never change. For instance, this constant inner dialogue I have. Now that I’m a mom it’s called “motherly instinct”, whereas before it was called “self-doubt”.

Jenny: You’re not constantly sure of yourself?

Me: Not constantly, no.

Jenny: Now you just sound like you are trying very hard to be non-offensive.

Me: Well, yes, that is the way of the internet these days. If you want to share your opinions, you better be prepared for a debate. If you want to share your opinions without a debate, you better do it in a virtually undetectable manner.

Jenny: But then what’s the point of sharing your opinions at all?

Me: That is the best question you have asked today.

Jenny: Unfortunately, there isn’t an answer for everything.

Me: Well, actually, I did have a few thoughts on that…

Jenny: Thanks so much for letting me interview you today, Jenny. You must know that I am your harshest critic.

Me: Yes, I do know that, thank you.

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